Couples Counseling and Conflict: How to Practice Healthy Communication
"Human relationships are not rocket science—they are far, far more complicated."
—James W. Pennebaker
There are many reasons why couples seek therapy—whether as a preventative measure, much like regular dental check-ups, or as a way to address more serious relationship issues.
Brian Mueller, PhD, a psychologist at Columbia University Medical Center, states, “Couples therapy can address a wide range of relationship issues, including recurring conflicts, feelings of disconnection, an affair, issues related to sex, or difficulties due to external stressors.”
I have had the privilege of walking with couples through each of the issues described above. However, the two areas of greatest difficulty that I hear expressed most often are communication and conflict resolution. Some common statements I hear include:
“We don’t know how to communicate without fighting.”
“I don’t feel heard.”
“I feel criticized and shut down.”
“We need tools to help us know how to talk to each other.”
This makes so much sense. Even when serious relationship issues need to be addressed, we must first establish a way to communicate in a space that feels safe and productive for both partners.
One way to begin practicing healthy communication is by utilizing a couples dialogue. Just as there are many different theories and approaches to couples counseling, there are multiple ways to engage in this type of dialogue. However, they all share similar foundational principles:
Steps for a Healthy Couples Dialogue
Establish a Sender/Receiver or Talker/Listener:
The partner with the greatest need to express a concern or bring up an issue should start as the Sender.
Each partner will have the opportunity to both talk and listen during the conversation.
Begin with a positive statement or share an appreciation.
Use “I” statements:
Examples: “I feel…,” “I fear…,” “I love…,” “When this happened, I felt…,” “The story I am telling myself is…”
Mirror:
The Receiver should repeat back what they heard without adding, modifying, or critiquing.
Examples: “What I hear you saying is…,” “If I got it right, I think you said…,” “Is there more you want to share?”
It is important to use the same feeling words your partner used when sharing.
Validate:
Examples: “That makes sense to me…,” “I can see how you would feel that way…,” “Based on what you shared, I can imagine you might be feeling…”
Empathize:
Examples: “It sounds like you’re feeling…,” “That must be really difficult,” “I can understand why that would be hard for you.”
Once the sending partner feels heard, validated, and empathized with, partners should switch roles. The Sender becomes the Receiver, ensuring both partners feel equally understood.
Consistent practice of this type of dialogue can help build strong, healthy communication within a relationship.
READ MORE: Communication and Assertiveness
Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. For support individually or as a couple, contact us or request an appointment online.
This blog post was written by Anna Gould.
Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.
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