Changing your word choice, particularly in your self-talk, can increase your sense of satisfaction and understanding.

For starters, self-talk refers to the language and tone we use with ourselves. It is the thoughts we have throughout the day, which can shape our perception of our experiences. It can be affirmative: “You got this, Danielle!” And it can also be degrading: “Danielle, you suck!” Each internal response elicits a different emotional response to the event, whether small or significant. How we talk to ourselves and process our experiences matter!

There are words that are explicitly charged with negativity and others that subtly suggest negativity. For example, many people overuse the word should. “I really should go to the gym more often.” “I should be working on that project right now.” The thing about should is that it can produce feelings of guilt, shame, and bring down our confidence.

Imagine replacing your should’s with want’s. “I really want to go to the gym more often.” “I want to work on that project right now.” Using want instead of should steps away from that self-judgment and enters a more compassionate space. It can encourage you more than constantly saying “I should…”

Another example of swapping word choice is the use of but. I often hear people state a positive experience/desire then follow up with but and a negative experience. “I want that job, but I’m nervous about the interview.” Using but can imply that these two things are mutually exclusive. However, consider both experiences occurring in tandem, not canceling each other out. “I want that job and I’m nervous about the interview.” This rephrasing respects the desire and the current experience, allowing room for a way forward.

Lastly, many people see rejection from potential matches (colleges, suitors, jobs) as a negative experience. Certainly, when you are excited and hopeful about something/someone that does not work out, it can be a hit to your confidence. However, when you consider the rejection as redirection, it may alleviate some of the hurt you experience. This is all with the radical belief/faith that things will work out in your favor, whether it is what you imagined or outside of what you envisioned. If you have a hard time with this one, it may be that you have experienced significant loss, trauma, or even systemic injustice.

Please remember, these suggestions do not live in absolute. The use of should, but, and rejection have significance and can help to clarify a situation. My hope is that you choose to embrace openness and self-compassion so that you can improve your relationship with yourself and how you experience the world.

Here at Atlanta Wellness Collective, we want to help. To talk to someone about counseling, contact us or request an appointment today.

This blog post was written by Danielle Dunkley, PhD.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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